One Year

One year ago today, we announced to the world that Derek had received a cancer diagnosis that would change our lives forever. An adenocarcinoma tumor in the tail of his pancreas was thought by many to be inoperable, but after 6 months of aggressive chemotherapy, his tumor was completely resected this past August. Once he recovered from surgery, Derek began oral chemotherapy and radiation therapy on a 5-day per week schedule at the University of Chicago, which he completed the day before Thanksgiving. Ever since we have been living our lives "normally" once again.

But life after cancer is never really normal. In a sense, it's equally as scary, just in a different way. Aches, pains and belly discomfort are sensations that we used to disregard almost immediately, but now the mere mention of any of these symptoms from Derek will send an involuntary shiver up my spine. That looming question of "is it back?" will always be there. We must accept that worry exists and then let the worry float on by without giving it too much time or attention. To be completely honest, though, maintaining equanimity in the face of uncertainty continues to be one of my greatest personal challenges.

Lately, we have noticed that our life is filled with many anniversaries that we think about and sometimes cherish even though we wish there was no cause for celebration. Today is one of those days. December 30th will forever be the day that Derek received his cancer diagnosis. Yet today we celebrate the fact that Derek is feeling healthy and not in need of any treatment at this time. Moving forward, there will be dates on the calendar or annual events that will remind us of where we were during Derek's yearlong battle with pancreatic cancer. We will choose to honor and accept the past without allowing it to cloud the beauty of today.

Many people have mentioned that 2016 was a terrible year and that we must be eager to move on to 2017. Funny enough, I have responded that I did not think 2016 was quite so bad. The Cubs won the World Series for goodness sake! How bad could it have been!? 2016 may have challenged us in immense ways, but it also taught us incredibly powerful lessons about life, relationships, and healing. Had the year ended with a different outcome for Derek, perhaps we would feel differently about 2016, but I am grateful that we can look back at the year with more laughter than tears. In the video below, I was able to capture moments from the entire year, and I think anyone would agree that it tells a very hopeful, optimistic story where cancer does not play the central role.

When I began this blog one year ago, I told Derek that I wanted to share our journey in the form of a blog for three reasons:

1. Catharsis
2. For my children to look back on a part of our family's history that they will likely not remember
3. To openly share our story so others can learn from our experience

I am so touched and grateful to those of you who have taken the time to read our blog. When people compliment me on my writing, I often respond by saying that one's writing appears more eloquent when we have something important to write about. I hope that this blog inspires someone else to tell their story (cancer or otherwise) so that we can support one another and learn from one another as we navigate life's obstacles and blessings. 

For now, I've decided that I am going to take a hiatus from this blog and pray that I won't need it anytime soon. Though we cannot be foolish enough to believe that our story is finished just yet, we remain hopeful that the subsequent chapters will be filled with much more joy than pain. 

Wishing you a very happy, HEALTHY, peaceful 2017!

xoxo