Denial and Hope

I recently heard a TED Talk given by a woman named Amanda Bennett, who sadly lost her husband to a rare form of cancer. Something struck me about part of her message. She suggested that we need to think more constructively about a very common, profound and powerful human emotion that often presents itself as denial but turns out to actually be hope.

For weeks, I have been saying that I am living in a state of denial about the next monumental step in our journey. Up until this week, I barely acknowledged that Derek's surgery date was quickly approaching. Friends, family members, and co-workers gently broached the subject by asking us about the details: How much work would we be missing? Would Marcie spend the night at the hospital with Derek or stay at a hotel or go home? What would we tell our children?

The truth is that we still don't have answers to all of those questions yet. Instead of using any of our emotional or mental capacity to wonder or waver or worry, we choose to wait. We will figure out what is right when the time is right.

Is this denial? I don't think it is. I think it's a deep sense of hope and belief that everything will be ok, because there are absolutely no indications that it won't be.

Derek was diagnosed with Stage 3 pancreatic cancer, without any signs of metastasis. He courageously battled through 12 rounds of grueling chemotherapy. His CA19-9 plummeted from 273 to 128 all the way down to 12.8, a number well within the range of normal. His tumor shrunk enough so that it went from unresectable to resectable. All of this while Derek's appetite and digestion improved, his weight normalized, and his energy returned. Tell me, how can one not have hope with results like that?

This summer, we have had a marvelous month filled with joy, spontaneity, laughter, and most importantly, food! In fact, this summer was as good, if not better, than any other summer we have spent together. Living each day with so much hope that it turned our fear into fortitude, our stress into strength. We are ready for whatever lies in the days ahead. We are not in denial; we are just filled with hope.

Anyone who is reading who wants to be updated on the day of surgery and the days that follow, please join our private text group by texting @BigDFaust to 81010. Our family has also asked that their friends and colleagues join so that all communication comes directly from us.

Thank you to our incredible support system. To our parents, siblings, relatives, dearest friends, and trusted colleagues, we are grateful to all of you. We look forward to sharing an update after Derek's surgery has been completed.